Riddick: Pitch Black with side-boob

Source: http://booksdirect.tumblr.com

This is the irony of my life:

I’m in classes that are teaching me how to write really great, concise, relevant blog posts, but I have so many textbook readings and assignments and actual work going on, that I don’t have time to actually practice anything here.

I’ve half-heartedly tried to read Unwind by Neal Shusterman (the creepiest thing I’ve ever read, I might add), but that was clearly a foolish fancy.  I managed to find the time to see the new Riddick film, however, so maybe I’ll share a word or two about that.

Source: http://io9.com/watch-the-first-new-riddick-clip-in-9-years-1209623309
Source: http://io9.com/watch-the-first-new-riddick-clip-in-9-years-1209623309

Riddick.  In a word, disappointing.  I’ll be honest, I have no idea how this movie rates as 7.0 out of 10.  I’ve been looking forward to this for almost 10 years, because Chronicles of Riddick (2004), while arguably terrible, is straight up one of my favourite movies.  At first I reasoned that I felt so let down because I had been so excited, but the friend I went with also thought it sucked.  Here’s why:

1) At the end of Chronicles, Riddick becomes leader of some creepy, death-worshipping, world-destroying goons, and at the start of Riddick, he’s just limping through a dust storm.  They cover the intervening time in a very unsatisfying 2 minute montage.

2) After Riddick’s  “shocking” (totally not shocking)  betrayal, he is left for dead on some wasteland planet (you’d think he’d have learned by now).  That’s okay, though, because his C.G.I. tiger-antelope-dog is good company.

3) The actual action of the film is just so similar to the first film of this movie arc, Pitch Black (2000) that it kind of makes a nice bookend, but is also just really annoying.  I mean, I’ve already watched this movie.  Creepy planet, dangerous monsters, bad guys die, Riddick realizes he has a heart.  Look, I just made movie four!

Source: http://www.cinemarx.ro/persoane/Katee-Sackhoff-8770.html?postere-alternative
Source: http://www.cinemarx.ro/persoane/Katee-Sackhoff-8770.html?postere-alternative

4) I’m prepared for hokey characters, but everyone seemed to have a piece of typecast pie.  From the writhing, naked Necromonger babes in Riddick’s ugly-ass bed, to the angry Spanish bounty hunter who deserves his bloody death, the characters were just silly.  And for some reason, Katee Sackhoff as Dahl, probably the least obviously offensive character, managed to piss me off the most.  Her character is a lesbian, but she plays the character using every stereotype that exists for lesbians. So by the time she angrily shouts, “I don’t fuck guys!”, you’re not even a little surprised.  Except she’s a liar, because apparently Riddick is just so irresistibly murderous and manly that he turns her straight!

5) Did you notice there’s a lot of nudity in this film?  Normally, I don’t really care, but it was just so unnecessary!  It’s like they knew this was just a terrible, dreadful film, so they threw in some boob-shots every once in a while just so there was something decent to see for a second.  So maybe the 7.0 rating is for Sackhoff’s token bathroom scene, complete with side-boob.

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